Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
