Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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