Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
