Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.Â
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
