dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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