my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
