Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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