You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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