Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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