she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
