God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
