I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize