pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just high enough for therapy.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
