It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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