It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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