is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
