She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
