And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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