Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
