Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
