she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What a dumb baby whore.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
