i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
