I think im going to throw up on grandma
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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