She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
