Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
