He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
