dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
