Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
