You really coming over, don't trick.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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