this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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