Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize