I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
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