How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
