Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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