I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
