The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
