im having a threesome with these popsicles
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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