remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
