I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
