i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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