I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
