Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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