Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
