I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
