he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I didn't notice because vodka
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize