You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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