I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
