i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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