Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
