I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
