a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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