someone get that fucking seahorse.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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