i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
