Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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