I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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