Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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