I think I won the penis lottery.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
