You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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