Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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