I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
