Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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