Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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