you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
