Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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