my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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