i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
