Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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