Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
