I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
