Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
