In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I am one with the molecules
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
