Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize