You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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