this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
