he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize