The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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