Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Randomize
